Sorry Folks...

I've been a desk jockey for a while now and have run out of stories and time to blog. So sadly, I am taking a hiatus. I'll also be looking for a job soon! So if there are any employers reading my blog who want to hire a snarky wildlife bio, drop me a line.

Sometimes even my best techs piss me off.

Several years ago, I offered one of my best techs the opportunity to get his Masters degree. He jumped at the opportunity. Smart boy. But when I realized the project may not work, I decided to give him a backup project…just in case. When I told him about my brilliant idea, he flew off the handle. Instead of understanding the project was flawed, he heard, “You’re simply not good enough to do it right.”
Though I explained things to him over and over, he could not be reasoned with.

So what did I do?

Like the mature woman I am, I quit speaking to him.

Not my brightest move considering we were camping.

Just the two of us.

For days.

Open Mouth. Insert Foot. Now Swallow.

Sorry for not posting last week. What can I say? Sometimes life happens.

This week’s story is again from the conference and relates to the previous story. Same boss. Same tech. Flash forward seven years. Both of them are at the conference.

Bossman gives a talk and posts a picture on the screen of a tiny woman fixing a fence. After explaining what is going on in the picture, Bossman points to it and says, “If you can believe it, that is Baby Face Nelson. As you can see, she was lot thinner then.”

Some Days Bosses Deserve to be Shot.

Imagine:

A young woman—-who shall be dubbed Baby Face Nelson after the famous car thief–-starts a new government job as a grizzly bear technician. Her new boss sends her to a cattle ranch by herself to check on a report of a problem grizzly bear in the area.

Keep in mind, she’s a female bear biologist working for the government in Montana. What could possibly go wrong?

At sundown, after sitting in her truck all day and seeing no bear, she prepares to leave. Only her truck won’t start.

What does she do?

She grabs her bear spray and prays the bear doesn’t show up while she checks under the hood. She can’t for the life of her figure out how to get the truck to work…

…nor can she get back in the truck because the doors are locked. And the keys are inside.

Shit.

By now it's completely dark. With no other option, she dashes across the field to the house and pounds on the door. No one’s home. She runs to the barn, finds a phone and calls her boss. He doesn’t answer. She waits for hours, calling, and hoping the bear doesn’t show up. Figuring she’s going to spend the night there, she decides she’s needs more substantial shelter than an open barn. She sees an old car and runs to it.

By some small miracle it’s open, the keys are inside, and it starts!

So on one of her first days of work, she becomes a car thief. Praying she can return the car before the rancher gets home and notices it’s missing, she pulls into her boss’s driveway and bangs on the door. She explains what happened then says, “Quick, we can make it back before they notice the car is missing!”

So what does her boss—the one who sent her out alone, in a broken down truck and refused to answer his phone because he thought it was his ex-wife calling—do?

That’s right, he calls the rancher and tells him, his new tech stole the car.

Did you say bare conference?

While at the bear conference, a biologist heard our story of Jasmine’s reenactment of a bear and decided to share his story.

He and a colleague were on a ferry when they met two women and struck up a conversation. When the women asked where they were headed, they said, “To a bear conference.”

The women lit up and said they too were going to the bare conference…

Then they proceeded to strip.

Super Troopers

Sorry folks. I had internet problems in the morning yesterday and was traveling to a bear conference in the afternoon. During our travels, Jasmine, who has a problem with speeding, got pulled over. Though the state trooper did give Jasmine a ticket—a whopping twenty bucks payable on the roadside in Big Sky Country for us out-of-staters—he was very nice.

After collecting Jasmine’s money, he asked, “Where are you ladies heading?”

“Missoula,” Jasmine said.

“To a bear conference,” I added.

The trooper gave us a blank look so Jasmine clarified. “You know, bears.” She made a claw with her hand and swiped at him. Then she roared.

For a split second, everything went silent. Had Jasmine really swiped at and then roared at the cop? Why yes, yes she had.

When the cop said, “I think I’m going to have you step out of the car…” I was sure she was going to be taking a sobriety test. I was also pretty sure she’d fail because we were so giddy…and Jasmine was…well, Jasmine. “…and have you reenact that on the roadside for the passersby to see ‘cause that was the worst impression of a bear I’ve ever seen.”

Energizer Bunnies are no Weebles…

Warning: If gross injuries make you queasy, do not scroll down to view the picture at the bottom of the blog. It’s quite disgusting!



In today’s blog, I introduce a new character dubbed EB because he has the energy of the Energizer Bunny. EB is a woodsman and an athlete. He hikes. He hunts. He runs. He rock climbs. With his background, one would think he could survive a weekend fieldtrip to retrieve radio collars without any major catastrophes.

Alas, EB may have boundless energy, but he is not a Weeble. So when he was hiking through steep and rugged country and slipped, he not only wobbled, he fell down. Hard.

And landed himself in the hospital…

With no radio collar to show for his effort.

Suckie.