Fire in the (shit) hole!...and a guest blogger.

Okay boys and girls, help me welcome our guest blogger. She (and possibly others) will be helping me out with the blog. She too is a wildlife biologist who has endured the frustrations and excitement of the job.

Hi everyone! A little bit about me. I have lived in a two-person tent for two months and believe me when I tell you, it was better than the 18 months of living in a condemned FEMA trailer! Who knew! Although the frustrations of being a wildlife biologist are endless, there is seldom a dull moment. Enjoy!

Question: What do you do at the end of a field season (in remote Alaska) with a wooden shitter that’s filled to the gills and needs to go bye-bye?

Answer:

a. Sling it out of a helicopter into a boat and take shit-full shitter with you OR
b. Burn it!

Uh, duh...you burn it. Cause let’s face it. No one wants to take that home with them. And fire is fun! But dangerous. So remember safety first. We did. We took our shitter to the beach. No, not for a vacation. Less vegetation. Water... you get my drift. Okay so now that we’re completely safe, let the fun begin!

Step 1. Pour A-1 helicopter fuel over shitter. That’s right, HELICOPTER FUEL! Regular gasoline is for babies.

Step 2. To ignite, shoot shitter with slugs from a 12-gauge shotgun. Shoot it again. And again. And again.

Step 2b. Because shooting it with slugs didn’t work, shoot it with a flare. Again and again and again. We’ve got ignition! But not nearly enough so...

Step 1b. Add more fuel. It’s a good idea to walk up to a fire and pour more gas on it from a 1-gallon can, right? Wait...is it bad if the flame leaps up into the can?

Step1c. Fill garbage bag with 10 gallons of gas and throw into flame...SUCCESS!

What we learned...

Thompson’s water seal is not only water resistant, it’s fire resistant, too!

Lesson of the Day: If you live with your boss, don’t do stupid shit.

To some of us, this might sound like common sense, but as I get older and snarkier, I’m finding that people can be downright stupid.  So today, I’m going to give those of you starting out in your careers a list of don’ts.  Don’ts that I have seen one, yes ONE, technician do.  And rest assured this will not be the last list of its kind.

DO NOT ruin your job for your boyfriend/girlfriend.  Do not cry to your boss about your dysfunctional relationship.  And yes, I mean CRY.  We don’t want to see you break down in tears and blubber all over yourself.  Especially if you’re a guy!  I know I’m not being PC, but seriously grow a set.  Be a man.  Do not cry to your female boss and think she’s going to feel sorry for you because she’s a female.   We’re women!  We’re not stupid!  We’re probably thinking she’s right in dumping you!

DO NOT get drunk off your ass on a work night and brag to your boss about all the stupid shit you’ve done in your life.  We’re old.  We’re not impressed by stupidity like your friends are. 

DO NOT drive to the nearest town (on a work night), which is twenty miles away on a treacherous road, and get so drunk you pass out in your car--after you’ve thrown up all over it.  When you wake up, DO NOT then drive your car back to the trailer.  For those of you who don’t know this—driving while you’re obliterated out of your mind is ILLEGAL!

DO NOT then force your boss and coworkers to get you out of bed so you can get your ass to work.  I’m not your mother!  DO NOT throw up all over the government vehicle!  DO NOT brag to your coworkers about what you did!  DO NOT look for pity from your boss by telling her you don’t feel well because you got so drunk last night that you’re still drunk then run into the woods and puke your brains out.  DO NOT think all of this is cool!  DO NOT then realize your mistake then go CRYING, yes crying to your boss and telling her that you’re not a man because you never knew your father!  DO NOT then go back to your coworkers and brag to them about how you broke down in tears and gave your boss a sob story about your past that had her eating out of your hand.  How many times do I have to say it?  WE are not stupid!  YOU are!

DO NOT go fishing without a license when you work for the agency that enforces fishing laws AND you drive one of their trucks with the big emblem (covered in your vomit) on the side.  For those of you who don’t again understand, fishing without a license is against the law.  Fishing without a license when you work for the agency that enforces that law is stupid…and the final straw.

TSWB

Trailer Trash

Not many women would do what I do. Live where I’ve lived. And let me be the first to say, those women are a lot smarter than me.

Many times wildlife biologists work in remote places. Live in remote places. Live with our coworkers and supervisors. Live in crap-holes with no running water, no electricity, and mice nesting in our hair. This is not a forty-year-old woman’s dream. At least not mine. So imagine my elation when I realized that not only had I signed on to a project for which I—the bear biologist—would be studying song birds, but I also got to live in a crappy trailer with three men young enough to be my sons. That is, if I had gotten busy at a really young age.

The four of us lived together. In a trailer. With no running water. No working toilet. No electricity. Not really what we were expecting. But we were tough and we dealt with it. We didn’t have a choice. Besides, we had a water spigot outside the trailer and the water was potable. We had a campsite with a shitter a quarter mile down the road and a hot springs with a waterfall three miles down the road. And we had camp stoves. We were set. I was doing okay.

Until the night the mouse crawled across my face.

It’s not that bad, I told myself. Go back to sleep.

I did.

And the next night another mouse skittered over my head.

This was going to be a long summer.

TSWB