So I was in a meeting yesterday, figuring I’d get some good material for the blog. The meeting was filled to the gills with fish biologists. Not one wildlife biologist (with the exception of yours truly and her boss). We presented our proposal asking for more funding. At the end, one fish bio said, “There’s a lot of great science going on here...except this bear stuff. Why don’t you study the ENTIRE FOOD WEB instead of focusing on bears?” My boss and I looked at each other in absolute confusion. How can we possibly study the whole food web? It’s ginormous!
The fish biologist associated with our project explained to him that we have studied the food web. Admittedly, I was still confused. There’s no way we’ve studied the whole food web. Later, I found out that from a fish biologist’s perspective the entire food web consists of everything from biofilm to fish and insects. Anything beyond that (apparently) doesn’t exist.
Do I really need to explain what’s wrong with that? If I do, you must be a fish biologist.
TSWB
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Attack of the Killer Slinkys
Before everyone thinks I never say good things about techs, let me say this: without two spectacular techs, I wouldn’t have survived my first field season on this project. These techs were completely invested in the study and helped me problem solve virtually every day. I am especially grateful for one of these techs because he has suffered through the years with me. The other was a little brighter. He moved on to bigger and better pastures.
But let’s face it. Telling sappy stories about good techs isn’t nearly as fun as snark...so back to it!
This next blog is hard for me, because it forces me to admit I don’t know everything. I work with a lot of different personalities. One personality (who I only work with on occasion) has a VERY dry sense of humor. Unless you know him well, which I don’t, you can’t tell if he’s joking. So when he asked me if I knew how to properly roll barbed-wire, I snorted and said, “Who doesn’t,” thinking he was joking. I mean, how hard can rolling barbed-wire be?
The next the day, three of my four techs and I rolled hundreds and hundreds of feet of barbed-wire. Little did I know, there is a right way to roll barbed-wire…and many wrong ways. Two of my techs knew how to roll barbed-wire. They also knew my other tech and I did NOT, but instead of saying anything, they watched us roll hundreds of feet improperly.
I still had no idea there was a right way and a wrong way to roll the wire until we unrolled it. Turns out, if the wire unrolls in a neat and controlled manner, you did it right. If it springs at your face like a giant killer Slinky trying to scratch out your eyeballs with its barbs, you did it wrong.
Needless to say, we spent many weeks dodging life-sized barbed Slinkys. The two wonderful techs that didn’t think to point out our error before we rolled hundreds of feet of wire incorrectly?
They didn’t last long.
TSWB
But let’s face it. Telling sappy stories about good techs isn’t nearly as fun as snark...so back to it!
This next blog is hard for me, because it forces me to admit I don’t know everything. I work with a lot of different personalities. One personality (who I only work with on occasion) has a VERY dry sense of humor. Unless you know him well, which I don’t, you can’t tell if he’s joking. So when he asked me if I knew how to properly roll barbed-wire, I snorted and said, “Who doesn’t,” thinking he was joking. I mean, how hard can rolling barbed-wire be?
The next the day, three of my four techs and I rolled hundreds and hundreds of feet of barbed-wire. Little did I know, there is a right way to roll barbed-wire…and many wrong ways. Two of my techs knew how to roll barbed-wire. They also knew my other tech and I did NOT, but instead of saying anything, they watched us roll hundreds of feet improperly.
I still had no idea there was a right way and a wrong way to roll the wire until we unrolled it. Turns out, if the wire unrolls in a neat and controlled manner, you did it right. If it springs at your face like a giant killer Slinky trying to scratch out your eyeballs with its barbs, you did it wrong.
Needless to say, we spent many weeks dodging life-sized barbed Slinkys. The two wonderful techs that didn’t think to point out our error before we rolled hundreds of feet of wire incorrectly?
They didn’t last long.
TSWB
Monday, September 6, 2010
The Gnome was NOT the sharpest tool in the shed:
This is a short and sweet lesson about your State Fish and Wildlife Agency.
For those of you who are unaware, your state Fish and Wildlife Agency (or whatever it calls itself) has Law Enforcement Officers. To those of us in the business they’re known as L-E-Os or LEOs. LEOs do as their name suggests. They enforce laws. So it’s NOT advisable to scream by a LEO—who is doing 60 in a 55—virtually blowing off its doors, 'cause he or she is gonna pull you over (and wonder if you’re drunk or stupid). It’s also NOT advisable to fish without a license when you work for the agency that enforces fishing and hunting laws. ‘Cause that’s gonna get you fined…then fired.
For those of you who are unaware, your state Fish and Wildlife Agency (or whatever it calls itself) has Law Enforcement Officers. To those of us in the business they’re known as L-E-Os or LEOs. LEOs do as their name suggests. They enforce laws. So it’s NOT advisable to scream by a LEO—who is doing 60 in a 55—virtually blowing off its doors, 'cause he or she is gonna pull you over (and wonder if you’re drunk or stupid). It’s also NOT advisable to fish without a license when you work for the agency that enforces fishing and hunting laws. ‘Cause that’s gonna get you fined…then fired.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Gnome
I can only be nice for so long. So back to the snark with yet another story about a wonderful wildlife technician. The first year of this project, I hired three technicians. Two were awesome; one provided me enough stories to write a book, or at least supply material for a few blog posts. Our first meeting went something like this:
My crew leader and I were in our office when someone announced, “Dick has arrived.” (No, Dick is not his real name, but it should be, and yes, he really did announce his presence in this way.) My crew leader and I looked at each other—trying not to laugh or roll our eyes, because we were professionals—then turned toward the door to greet our new tech, Dick.
It was hard to hide my shock, and honestly, I’m not sure I did. Standing in the doorway, leaning against the door jamb with ankles and arms crossed was a pouty, five-foot-five elf, wearing designer jeans, shiny leather shoes and a pointy fleece hat. He was bejeweled with silver rings on both hands and his face was covered with a Travelocity Gnome-like beard.
I’d like to say I didn’t judge him on the spot, but anyone who knows me knows that would be a bald-faced lie. Unfairly, I had a picture of this kid in my head when I hired him. He was six feet, burly, wore Carhartts and flannel. In my mind, he was a mountain man. But when I saw him, I couldn’t help but think I’d hired a kid who wasn’t sure if he belonged on MTV or in the woods. His confusion had the unfortunate outcome of making him resemble a gnome...one having an identity crisis.
I admit it. I had a slight panic attack, right there in the office. My gut told me I’d made a mistake, but it was too late. Then I chided myself for not giving him a chance. It was unfair to judge him in the first ten seconds of meeting him. But a nagging voice in the back of my mind kept saying, “Your gut is never wrong. Don’t fight the gut.” But I had to, so I slapped a smile on my face and forged ahead.
Straight into a brick wall I like to call hell.
My crew leader and I were in our office when someone announced, “Dick has arrived.” (No, Dick is not his real name, but it should be, and yes, he really did announce his presence in this way.) My crew leader and I looked at each other—trying not to laugh or roll our eyes, because we were professionals—then turned toward the door to greet our new tech, Dick.
It was hard to hide my shock, and honestly, I’m not sure I did. Standing in the doorway, leaning against the door jamb with ankles and arms crossed was a pouty, five-foot-five elf, wearing designer jeans, shiny leather shoes and a pointy fleece hat. He was bejeweled with silver rings on both hands and his face was covered with a Travelocity Gnome-like beard.
I’d like to say I didn’t judge him on the spot, but anyone who knows me knows that would be a bald-faced lie. Unfairly, I had a picture of this kid in my head when I hired him. He was six feet, burly, wore Carhartts and flannel. In my mind, he was a mountain man. But when I saw him, I couldn’t help but think I’d hired a kid who wasn’t sure if he belonged on MTV or in the woods. His confusion had the unfortunate outcome of making him resemble a gnome...one having an identity crisis.
I admit it. I had a slight panic attack, right there in the office. My gut told me I’d made a mistake, but it was too late. Then I chided myself for not giving him a chance. It was unfair to judge him in the first ten seconds of meeting him. But a nagging voice in the back of my mind kept saying, “Your gut is never wrong. Don’t fight the gut.” But I had to, so I slapped a smile on my face and forged ahead.
Straight into a brick wall I like to call hell.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Hey Bear!
Taking a break from my snarky self to tell a story that made me laugh…in a good way.
Lesson of the day: If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Don’t panic and don’t run. Remember ninety-nine percent of the time it’s more afraid of you than you are of it. I spend so much time with people who are comfortable with wildlife encounters that I forget many, if not most, are NOT comfortable with them.
A few days ago, I was on a mountain bike ride with a group of friends. The second person to come down the hill, I heard something crashing through the brush on the bank above so I stopped. The bushes above me were moving, and I realized, whatever we had spooked was coming toward us.
This has happened to me before. I’m walking through the woods and spook an animal. Most of the time the animal runs away, but sometimes it runs at me. Not because it’s attacking. Because it was sleeping, heard something scary, and started running.
I figured that’s what happened with this animal. So I stopped and yelled, “Hey bear!” I didn’t know if it was a bear. “Hey bear” is simply something to say to alert whatever is running toward you that you’re there.
My friend in the lead had also stopped, but she didn’t stand still. I have never in my life seen a woman get off a bike so fast and run backward with bike in hand like a shield. With one eye on her and the other on the bank above, I smiled…because I knew exactly what she was doing.
I watched a little black bear jump off the bank and onto the trail in front of us, running as fast as its little legs could carry it...AWAY from us. The bear was terrified.
A few moments later, after everyone calmed down, my friend confessed her thought process. She said, “I knew it was a bear so I thought I’d put you, the bear biologist, between me and the bear, because you’d know what to do.” True, but still, it made me laugh and realize that the true lesson of the day was this: when hiking or biking in the woods, always bring someone slower than you, because you don’t need to outrun the bear. You need to outrun your friend.
Cheers,
TSWB
Lesson of the day: If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Don’t panic and don’t run. Remember ninety-nine percent of the time it’s more afraid of you than you are of it. I spend so much time with people who are comfortable with wildlife encounters that I forget many, if not most, are NOT comfortable with them.
A few days ago, I was on a mountain bike ride with a group of friends. The second person to come down the hill, I heard something crashing through the brush on the bank above so I stopped. The bushes above me were moving, and I realized, whatever we had spooked was coming toward us.
This has happened to me before. I’m walking through the woods and spook an animal. Most of the time the animal runs away, but sometimes it runs at me. Not because it’s attacking. Because it was sleeping, heard something scary, and started running.
I figured that’s what happened with this animal. So I stopped and yelled, “Hey bear!” I didn’t know if it was a bear. “Hey bear” is simply something to say to alert whatever is running toward you that you’re there.
My friend in the lead had also stopped, but she didn’t stand still. I have never in my life seen a woman get off a bike so fast and run backward with bike in hand like a shield. With one eye on her and the other on the bank above, I smiled…because I knew exactly what she was doing.
I watched a little black bear jump off the bank and onto the trail in front of us, running as fast as its little legs could carry it...AWAY from us. The bear was terrified.
A few moments later, after everyone calmed down, my friend confessed her thought process. She said, “I knew it was a bear so I thought I’d put you, the bear biologist, between me and the bear, because you’d know what to do.” True, but still, it made me laugh and realize that the true lesson of the day was this: when hiking or biking in the woods, always bring someone slower than you, because you don’t need to outrun the bear. You need to outrun your friend.
Cheers,
TSWB
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Rock Star
I’m back from a fun-filled summer in the field. No, really this year was awesome! Why? I changed my strategy. I didn’t hire anyone! Amazing how much smoother things go. No, I didn’t do everything myself. I had help from some fabulous people who have been professionals in the field of wildlife for many years and are not wannabe rock stars. Have I told you that story? No? Well, I will.
After firing not one, but two employees in one day, I found myself in need of a tech. Unfortunately, when you’re hiring in the middle of a field season, the people who are still looking for jobs are still looking for jobs for a reason.
I should’ve known.
But I hired him anyway. Why not? Being a wildlife biologist was this kid’s dream! How could I rob him of his chance? This was his foot in the door.
Or in his case a good swift foot in the ass.
He didn’t last a month. He kept wanting nap time. I kid you not. He requested time to nap in the middle of the day. After I let him go—for reasons other than napping—one of my other techs told me that not 24 hours after this kid had arrived, he’d said, “I don’t want to be here. I wannabe a rock star.”
At least half his wish came true.
TSWB
After firing not one, but two employees in one day, I found myself in need of a tech. Unfortunately, when you’re hiring in the middle of a field season, the people who are still looking for jobs are still looking for jobs for a reason.
I should’ve known.
But I hired him anyway. Why not? Being a wildlife biologist was this kid’s dream! How could I rob him of his chance? This was his foot in the door.
Or in his case a good swift foot in the ass.
He didn’t last a month. He kept wanting nap time. I kid you not. He requested time to nap in the middle of the day. After I let him go—for reasons other than napping—one of my other techs told me that not 24 hours after this kid had arrived, he’d said, “I don’t want to be here. I wannabe a rock star.”
At least half his wish came true.
TSWB
Monday, February 15, 2010
OH NO SHE DIDN'T
“It’s a simple mark and recapture study. “ That’s what Bull--the fish biologist--told me in his oh so condescending manner. Problem is there’s no such thing as a simple mark and recapture study. Not in my world.
Mark and recapture means you capture animals, mark them so you can identify them, release them and then see if you can recapture them. Then you do a whole bunch of cool stats to figure out population density.
Simple.
If you’re a fish biologist.
They capture the fish by sticking a wand in the water and electrocuting them! How hard can it be to catch a stunned fish? Newsflash! I can’t run around the woods, wave my magic wand and stun a bunch of small mammals. I can’t sprinkle fairy dust and put them all to sleep. I can’t sing to them and have them clean my house and make me dresses out of curtains either! No, I have to supply them with food and lodging and hope my motel six for rodents looks and smells inviting. And I have to set up hotels all over the forest. I have to give them options. I have to develop a little rodent city!
I knew this, but wanted to get all the facts before I--the wussy bear bio--said, “Can’t be done.” So I consulted the mark and recapture gods and they told me that to do what needed to be done, I’d have to set 900 traps on each study site. All of these traps would need to be checked twice a day. TWICE! Pile on top of that the fact that we had nine study sites...that gives us 8100 traps! Are you kidding me? I don’t have a budget big enough to buy the traps, let alone hire a crew to check them all.
So I came up with plan B.
Because my research group insisted on small mammals, I set up forty traps at each site, thinking this would give us some idea of the species we were working with. And it was what my budget could handle. I hired a crew of three and we KILLED ourselves to set and check these traps. At the end of the season, when I proved to everyone that small mammals had no value in this study, Bane yelled at me.
“I don’t understand why you insisted on doing small mammals if you knew it wasn’t going to work. And why the hell did you spend so much money on traps we can’t use anymore? Why didn’t you attempt a scaled down version to test things before going all out!”
Oh yes she did.
TSWB
Mark and recapture means you capture animals, mark them so you can identify them, release them and then see if you can recapture them. Then you do a whole bunch of cool stats to figure out population density.
Simple.
If you’re a fish biologist.
They capture the fish by sticking a wand in the water and electrocuting them! How hard can it be to catch a stunned fish? Newsflash! I can’t run around the woods, wave my magic wand and stun a bunch of small mammals. I can’t sprinkle fairy dust and put them all to sleep. I can’t sing to them and have them clean my house and make me dresses out of curtains either! No, I have to supply them with food and lodging and hope my motel six for rodents looks and smells inviting. And I have to set up hotels all over the forest. I have to give them options. I have to develop a little rodent city!
I knew this, but wanted to get all the facts before I--the wussy bear bio--said, “Can’t be done.” So I consulted the mark and recapture gods and they told me that to do what needed to be done, I’d have to set 900 traps on each study site. All of these traps would need to be checked twice a day. TWICE! Pile on top of that the fact that we had nine study sites...that gives us 8100 traps! Are you kidding me? I don’t have a budget big enough to buy the traps, let alone hire a crew to check them all.
So I came up with plan B.
Because my research group insisted on small mammals, I set up forty traps at each site, thinking this would give us some idea of the species we were working with. And it was what my budget could handle. I hired a crew of three and we KILLED ourselves to set and check these traps. At the end of the season, when I proved to everyone that small mammals had no value in this study, Bane yelled at me.
“I don’t understand why you insisted on doing small mammals if you knew it wasn’t going to work. And why the hell did you spend so much money on traps we can’t use anymore? Why didn’t you attempt a scaled down version to test things before going all out!”
Oh yes she did.
TSWB
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